Sunday, 28 December 2014

God 1.01

There's always someone further up the ladder.


Frankly, it's a mess

Well it's a bit...

No it's not a bit anything, it's a total disaster. Look, you started out reasonably well. You got the shape right, covered it well, if a bit prematurely considering the inside was still cooking. Lots of lovely blue with a sprinkling of green and brown bits. It really looked quite nice. From a distance, but then what did you do?

Well I...

That wasn't a question, don't interrupt. You let 'them' loose on it. Not too bad on the face of it, mostly harmless, ugly, but reasonably well laid out with a support on each corner but one decides to balance on two and you suddenly get ideas. What did you give them?


Self awareness and, not content with that mind you, free will. What in the name of universal truth were you thinking. You'd already introduced sex. Going directly against my advice I might add. Do you really think you stand any chance of passing.

But the experiment is a long way from finished.

Really, you think so? You have a world infested...No don't protest. Infested! With that ridiculous species entirely caused by your own ineptitude. It's bad enough that they spend half their time finding new ways to play with their bits because you had to associate pleasure with the activity.

I thought it was a perfect way to encourage them to reproduce.

Oh it worked on that level I'll grant you but as soon as they worked out how to do it without the inconvenience of any offspring off they went. Practically every waking hour they're chasing round trying to put part A into slot B and I don't know what you did with the instructions on that because they seem totally confused about what A and B refer to and who does what, with what and to whom.

I have tried to restrict...

I was coming to that. Religion. “Believe in me. I am great. I am the one true....blah blah blah.” Possibly it would have worked but how many times and in how many different guises did you appear to them for pity's sake?

I was trying to fit it in with the many different societies they had developed.

Didn't work, did it? When they're not 'fiddling' they're killing each other over which version of you they consider the true one.

But I really think...

No you don't. If you thought at all you wouldn't have created this unholy mess. A world full of rutting, retarded, religious nutcases is not going to get you through to full Deity.
Now reformat and start again.

Wednesday, 10 December 2014

Ho Ho Hi Tech

Re-surfacing with a seasonal tale. Never stopped writing just posting up here. Self promotion never was my forte


Good morning, good morning and how is my favourite Elf this fine day.

Santa! Well you're up early it's not even November. Maybe you should have a bit more of a snooze, you don't want to be tired when the big night arrives. You're not as young as you where, you need to conserve your strength.

Oh nonsense. There's the naughty and nice list to go through...

That's already been done X.M.A.S collated it in real time throughout the year.


Xtreme Mean Attitude Surveillance... The system assimilates all the Facebook, Twitter. Webcam coverage and....You're looking confused. Oh, of course, you were asleep. We set it up back in February.

But that's my job

Yes but we thought...

No I mean that's ME. It's what I exist for.

Oh it'll still be your face they all see, still your name on every child's lips. It's all been set up with your previous years decisions as the parameters so it's what you would have done anyway. So just pop back up to bed and I'll send up a nice cup of Cocoa.

I need to check all the present allocations and make sure we've got enough coal for the naughty ones...

All done. X.M.A.S automatically fills in the orders.

...we were really pushed for time last year we might need to put the Elves on overtime, will we have everything packed and warped in time.

Oh you don't need to worry about that. We predicted the amount needed way back in March. Previous years statistics, birth rates etc. XMAS sources them locally too so a lot of it never even gets out of sight of the equator, much less to the north pole. In fact we've had to lay quite a lot of Elves off

Lay them off! You can't lay them off. What on earth will they do.

Well due to the generous re-settlement packages we could afford due the the reduced labour costs, do you realise how cheaply some people will work in some countries, most of them have found other work. Film, TV, personal appearances. Of course we did have to include the no-revelation clause in the severance agreement after that 'I was Santa's bitch' headline...

...and what do you mean never leaves the equator how on earth are they ever going to be delivered if Santa doesn't take them down the chimney.


I beg your pardon

Drones. Every present delivered in person, well personalised. They're even programmed with a Ho Ho Ho recording and the sound of hooves on tiles. Little mail merged greetings as well with a from Santa (in association with card.

...and who in the frozen wastes of the north is


So what precisely do I do now after this, so far, bloodless coup.

You just be yourself. You after all are Christmas. There'll be all the photo calls, chat shows and promotional stuff and you'll be amazed how much we charge for personal Santa present deliveries. You'll only have to do a few hundred for those who can afford it and...

Those who can afford it! What about all the other less fortunate children what are they...

Oh we've included a few raffle winners and hidden a few coupons in the right places so they stand a chance as well.

What about Rudolph and the others what are they supposed to do.

Already doing it. North Pole Experience. Sleigh rides for the kiddies. We're going to have to put up a 'No Carrots' sign though they've put on quite a bit of weight lately.

I've thought of everything. You just pop up and have a bit more kip I'll wake you in plenty of time for the celebrity run on the 24th. Just excuse me while I take this call from a Mr McPartlin
'Jungle? Well I suppose I could ask, yes I know he could stand to lose a couple of pounds but...'

Thought of everything has he. Bloody short arsed little know it all. I suppose he's even got an impression of my teeth for the mince pies and a sodding syphon for the sherry.

Santa. How do you feel about Australia?