Re-surfacing with a seasonal tale. Never stopped writing just posting up here. Self promotion never was my forte
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Good morning, good
morning and how is my favourite Elf this fine day.
Santa! Well you're up
early it's not even November. Maybe you should have a bit more of a
snooze, you don't want to be tired when the big night arrives. You're
not as young as you where, you need to conserve your strength.
Oh nonsense. There's
the naughty and nice list to go through...
That's already been
done X.M.A.S collated it in real time throughout the year.
XMAS?
Xtreme Mean Attitude
Surveillance... The system assimilates all the Facebook, Twitter.
Webcam coverage and....You're looking confused. Oh, of course, you
were asleep. We set it up back in February.
But that's my job
Yes but we thought...
No I mean that's ME.
It's what I exist for.
Oh it'll still be your
face they all see, still your name on every child's lips. It's all
been set up with your previous years decisions as the parameters so
it's what you would have done anyway. So just pop back up to bed and
I'll send up a nice cup of Cocoa.
I need to check all the
present allocations and make sure we've got enough coal for the
naughty ones...
All done. X.M.A.S
automatically fills in the orders.
...we were really
pushed for time last year we might need to put the Elves on overtime,
will we have everything packed and warped in time.
Oh you don't need to
worry about that. We predicted the amount needed way back in March.
Previous years statistics, birth rates etc. XMAS sources them locally
too so a lot of it never even gets out of sight of the equator, much
less to the north pole. In fact we've had to lay quite a lot of Elves
off
Lay them off! You can't
lay them off. What on earth will they do.
Well due to the
generous re-settlement packages we could afford due the the reduced
labour costs, do you realise how cheaply some people will work in
some countries, most of them have found other work. Film, TV,
personal appearances. Of course we did have to include the
no-revelation clause in the severance agreement after that 'I was
Santa's bitch' headline...
...and what do you mean
never leaves the equator how on earth are they ever going to be
delivered if Santa doesn't take them down the chimney.
Drones.
I beg your pardon
Drones. Every present
delivered in person, well personally...er... personalised. They're
even programmed with a Ho Ho Ho recording and the sound of hooves on
tiles. Little mail merged greetings as well with a from Santa (in
association with Amazing.com) card.
...and who in the
frozen wastes of the north is Amazing.com.
It's us...er
you...er...Christmas.
So what precisely do I
do now after this, so far, bloodless coup.
You just be yourself.
You after all are Christmas. There'll be all the photo calls, chat
shows and promotional stuff and you'll be amazed how much we charge
for personal Santa present deliveries. You'll only have to do a few
hundred for those who can afford it and...
Those who can afford
it! What about all the other less fortunate children what are they...
Oh we've included a few
raffle winners and hidden a few coupons in the right places so they
stand a chance as well.
What about Rudolph and
the others what are they supposed to do.
Already doing it. North
Pole Experience. Sleigh rides for the kiddies. We're going to have to
put up a 'No Carrots' sign though they've put on quite a bit of
weight lately.
I've thought of
everything. You just pop up and have a bit more kip I'll wake you in
plenty of time for the celebrity run on the 24th. Just
excuse me while I take this call from a Mr McPartlin
'Jungle? Well I suppose
I could ask, yes I know he could stand to lose a couple of pounds
but...'
Thought of everything
has he. Bloody short arsed little know it all. I suppose he's even
got an impression of my teeth for the mince pies and a sodding syphon
for the sherry.
Santa. How do you feel
about Australia?
Great stuff! ☺
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